Vulnerability is the Antidote to Shame: ONLY Be Vulnerable with Safe People

Let's start with the definition of shame:

noun

1. A painful emotion caused by the awareness of having done something wrong or foolish.

2. Respect for propriety or morality.

3. A pervasive, negative emotional state, usually originating in childhood, marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure.

I have had shame around so many aspects of my marriage and divorce. Yahweh continues to remove the shame from me, for which I am so thankful!

I have had shame:

• that I married someone who was addicted to pornography

• that I stayed so long once I found out

• that I allowed the things that happened to myself and my children to happen

• that I was so innocent and trusting

• around being divorced, the second divorce on one side of my family and 4th on the other side

• that I couldn't make the marriage work

• around the evil I allowed into my home

• that I enabled him in his addiction

• how much I hid abuse (of myself and my children) from others

• the way I lived for so long in a fog and not present with my children, or anything else

It might be helpful for you to do your own list of ways you have shame related to your marriage.

The interesting thing is that shame says there is something wrong with me. The more shame that I allow Yahweh to remove from me, I have came to understand that there is nothing wrong with me and I will show you why I have came to that realization.

Antidotes to my shame:

• that I married someone who was addicted to pornography - pornography wasn't as prevalent then and my parents nor I had any idea we needed to ask questions

• that I stayed so long once I found out - the first time he confessed to using pornography, we were still part of the Old German Baptist Brethren Church (OGBBC), it is heavily frowned upon to separate or divorce. You suck it up and stay together. I have another blog post on what happened. We were also quite young around 22 years old.

• that I allowed the things that happened to myself and my children to happen - I was angry with him more than once for things he said and did to the children. Yet, I never took steps to stop it ... I had no idea the resources available to women in my position. I hear that from so many women, we need a way to make those resources better known.

• that I was so innocent and trusting - I trusted and still do trust very easily. However, I have learned to be more discerning and watch actions to be sure they line up with the words I hear. Matthew 18: 3-4 and said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn around and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven! Whoever then humbles himself like this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Yeshua said that we are to be like little children. What do children do? They trust. They are innocent. There is nothing wrong with being trusting, just couple it with “I am sending you out like sheep surrounded by wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16

• around being divorced, the second divorce on one side of my family and 4th on the other side - I have had so much shame to work through surrounding this! Both sides of my family go back generations in the OGBBC church. There have been no divorces. And here I am getting a divorce. I had to come to the acceptance that not one of them has walked in my shoes, they haven't endured the abuse, heard the things being said to their daughter by her father that I have heard, they don't know just how hard I did work to make my marriage safe and to make it work, they don't have any ideas the tears I have cried, they have no idea the hours of therapy I have put in to be where I am today after getting out. I believed in divorce just not for me. I know believe in it for me, too.

• that I couldn't make it work - I did everything I knew to do to make it work. I know what I did to make it work. However, marriage is two people not one. Both parties need to be willing to make it work, not just one.

• around the evil I allowed into my home - I didn't knowingly allow the evil into my home. I started fighting it as soon as I realized it and continue to do spiritual warfare in my home.

• that I enabled him in his addiction - Unknowingly, I enabled him. I was doing what I thought I needed to do to keep my family together. Robert Weiss calls this Prodependence.

• how much I hid abuse (of myself and my children) from others - I put a smile on my face. I laughed. I appeared to have fun. Inside I wanted to take a nap. Inside I was crying. There were a few that knew things weren't right in our home but only the ones who knew me very well knew. And that was because they saw the changes in me. Not because I said anything about it.

• the way I lived for so long in a fog and was not present with my children, or anything else - I grieve the years I lost with my children. I don't remember much of their childhoods. Some of that is the abuse and some of it is from grief around Sheridan's death. Only years later, has my sister told that they dreaded our family coming to their home, because I was so checked out I didn't notice things going on. She has mentioned often how much different I am now.

How much do you deal with shame from your marriage to a sex addict?
What are the antidotes to your shame?