Let's start this one with a trigger warning. Be sure to read this with a friend or not at all if you have had the experience of sexual abuse within your marriage.

The next one we are going to talk about is sexual abuse. As I decided to write on this one, a feeling of bone marrow deep weariness came over me. This is not a fun one to write about, think about or heal from.

First let me say, if you have experienced sexual abuse in the form of marital rape, I am so sorry. You are worth more than that. You are loved. You are beautiful, just as you are. You are not to blame for the rape, even if you said NO to sex. He didn't honor your no as he should have.

I don't have a number of times that he raped me. I do have memories of several times, but know those aren't the only times.

Rape is horrible no matter how it happens. Yet, when it is done within a marriage there is a pain, a cutting that is so deep it cuts to the core of your being. This person that chose you, this person that professes to love you, this person that said they would protect you, this person that said they wanted to take care of you, this person that said you would be their person forsaking all others until death parted you ... did this horrific thing to you.

I didn't even realize that marital rape was something that actually happened, rather had a name, until a few years ago, I quickly realized that was what had happened to me.

Then it hit me that maybe that was what had happened on our wedding night. He came to bed, did his thing rolled over and went to sleep. I lay awake for quite a while trying to figure out what had just happened. There was no exploration. There was no foreplay. There was no making out. Just insert, ejaculate and roll over to sleep. The next morning I could hardly eat breakfast for the lump in my throat and tears that threatened to spill over.

The next time was because I told him no. He then raped me. I was a new bride/wife staying in his parents house with his brothers going in out and of the bathroom right on the other side of wall to where we were, I was uncomfortable having sex right there, right then. However, my comfort and feelings didn't matter to him. He wanted what he wanted and took it.

This set me up to not want to have sex with him. There was no pleasure in it for me, it was only for him because he didn't try to give me pleasure or learn about my body, he was only interested in getting it for himself. It took years for me to orgasm and only then it was with help from a toy.

At one point we went to a minister for help, this is the minister he told that he looked at pornography because I wouldn't have sex with him. See full story here.
This minister told him that he believed we should have sex every day. HA, no that doesn't work. Sex everyday will never work with a sex addict. That will not help them. It will only hurt you and your relationship more, because you may start to feel used, if you didn't already, resentful, angry and bitter.

At one point he told me that I didn't have control over my body, he did. Based on 1 Corinthians 7:4-5  It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then resume your relationship, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
So if I wasn't going to give it, he could take it based on that verse. That is NOT what this verse means. Paul would be appalled, I believe, at how out of context that verse has been taken and how many women have been abused because of his words being taken out of context. I know this is NOT how Yahweh wants HIS daughters treated. 

This is what pornography does, it teaches consumers to view other humans as object. Objects just for their viewing and physical pleasure. Not humans with feelings, needs and unique traits. No man of Yahweh would treat a woman this way. He would only treat her as Yahweh intended. With respect, love, honor, compassion, empathy, gentleness ... the attributes of Yahweh and the fruits of the spirit. No man is perfect but also no man that is a true man will treat woman this way, ever. 

Read Psalm 139. He created you with purpose. He wanted you with all of your unique talents, gifts and attributes. 

How did I heal from this trauma? I worked with an EMDR practitioner who specializes in sexual abuse. I have done Cognitive Processing Therapy. I have done Splankna. I have worked with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (cSAT) therapist, they work with the sex addict as well as with the spouse, since they understand what we have gone through. I have done a lot of crying, journaling and praying. I know healing is available for all of us, we have to do the work to heal and Father is faithful to meet us there. 

I pray that if you have an experience like mine, you to have worked to heal or are working to heal.

The moral of this story is that you can heal from being sexually abused. It will always be with you, however it doesn't have to haunt you. It doesn't have to be the focus of your thoughts all the time. It doesn't have to control your life.

Psalm 62:11-12 God has declared one principle: two principles I have heard: God is strong, and you, O Lord, demonstrate loyal love. For you repay men for what they do.

What, if any, part of this did you relate, too?
How have you pursued healing?